And Then There Was My Ego

I had a second interview for a job. From the beginning of this process, I have wanted this job. It is a family support position, and that is my favorite office gig. I mean, I love family support. You know what I don't love? Kids. They are messy and sticky and smell. They are loud and demanding and needy. But, that being said, I am a really good support/advocate for parents with messy, sticky, smelly, loud, demanding, and needy kids. So I have wanted this job. I have fought for this job.

Until ...

Until I spent an hour actually doing the job. Wow. It took about ten minutes to go from isn't that sweet; the kids love her to holy shit, I'd be expected to do this and dear god, will this interview never end? I just want to go home. And then I sat with the women who are providing the support to the kids themselves.

They challenged me appropriately, and even a bit inappropriately but from a place of loyalty to the kids. They wanted to know what I brought to the table. They were clear that they did not think I had any business being there. They weren't even listening to my answers; they just wanted more than whatever I was giving them. They want an early childhood development specialist. Their bosses are interviewing a family support specialist. Those are two very different jobs.

And that's when my ego kicked in. That's when I (mentally) went to fuck you, I'll show you I can do this job. By the time I left, I had even convinced myself I still wanted this job. My immediate reaction was that it would really come down to hiring who the bosses want, or hiring who the children support women want. Sat with that until I got home. 

After a nap, and some coffee, I found myself remembering...the boogy nose; the chicken in the chocolate milk ~ and the drinking of the concoction; the dirty hands; the mess. The overwhelming kidness of the whole thing.

Nope. I don't want this job. My ego will just have to deal with that. Will just have to deal with the fact that, if I can do this job or not, I am not the best person for it. The best person for this job isn't a family support specialist. She's an early childhood development specialist who loves kids, who doesn't see the stickiness or smell the smell. Pitching in to help the other providers will be a highlight of her day. And yes, she'll be able to give the families assistance, but her love will be the children. In all their messy, sticky, smelly, loud, demanding, needy glory.

Should they call and offer me the job, I will turn it down. Should they call to tell me they have gone in another direction, I will tell them they made the right decision. Either way, my ego can just sit the hell down and deal. I don't need to spend three months miserable and then finally quit in an explosion of angst and misery. Let's save us all from that, shall we, ego?

Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.