Friday, July 08, 2011

Fear and Bravery

It is no secret to anyone who knows me, or who has read this blog for a minute, that I am incredibly, incredibly brave and that I am brave because I am afraid of everything. It's only people who have just met me or who refuse to get to know me that believe the bravery is the core person and not an active, every single day choice. Honestly, I don't have much interest in keeping that second category around very long, because I happen to think being brave is far more interesting than being fearless, but that's just me.

Being the quivering mass of contradictions that I am, I have two differing experiences around this, just from this week. Surely this doesn't surprise you.

On the one hand, earlier this week, I mentioned to Lithus the fact that I am not as brave as I once was simply because I am not as scared as I once was. Leaving the house ~ not scary any more. Going exploring on my own ~ not scary any more. Making the phone calls and arrangements that need to be made ~ not scary any more. I regularly leave the hotel room without a book or crossword puzzle or anything else to distract me and go do whatever needs to be done, be it lunch or shopping. There have even been a couple of times this week that I started to get nervous about something and actually thought Wait, this doesn't bother you anymore; you don't have to be nervous, remember? and that was that. It's a beautiful, wonderful, exciting feeling.

On the other hand...Oh Dear God, the other hand. Last night, I had a thought that could become something interesting. So I emailed my friend Lori, who tends to know stuff about things, and asked if she knew anything about this idea. This morning, she wrote back saying that she knew nothing about it but here were three people she knew who very well might know something about it and I should write them and ask. Oh holy shit. Wait, what? Oh dear God.

But you know what? I'm incredibly brave. So, with a pep talk from Lori and a hard swallow, I did it. I sent those three emails. And as scary as it was, it wasn't as scary as it would've been once. Maybe, just maybe, even when I still need to be brave, I don't need to be quite as brave. I guess we'll see.

Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.


William Dameron said...

And you are so brave for writing about this and helping others that might not be so brave!

Hermes said...

Hey. I know everything and I didn't get an email. Are you saying that you sent three emails to people who might know something and I wasn't on the list? Well!

I forgive. Not that you were intimidated at all by my brash confrontation.