Monday, October 24, 2011

Disappointment and Other Angsty-ness

Note ~ This is a poorly written journal entry, far more than it is a blog post. I need to be vague enough that writing well or eloquently is hampered, but, goddammit, it's my blog and I want to write about this, so I'm doing so. Even if it's vague and poorly written. That beats censored.  Which brings us to...

Disappointment is a hard issue for me. I try very hard not to be disappointed in people. It strikes me as a particularly judgemental, and inevitably hypocritical, emotion. Also, I have had people disappointed in me before and, while sometimes, yes, deservedly so, often...not so much. Generally, my response to people being disappointed in me has been and fuck you, too. I don't live my life for other people; I try to make the best choices I can in the moment; and am, more often than not, pretty consistent. In other words, if you end up disappointed in me, that probably says more about you than about me. Not always. I am far from perfect. But generally? Yeah, I'll give it "generally."

Which is why when I find myself disappointed in people, I struggle with it. Who the hell am I to expect them to live their lives, make their choices, choose their path, based on what I think they should be doing? Especially when the choices they are making are the choices I have every reason, based on past experience, to expect them to make. And yet...there are times when I still find myself disappointed. In this instance, I've had certain people say certain things, lead me to believe ~ in other words have reason to expect ~ certain things and then...*poof* Maybe that's it. In these instances, these people have lead me to believe something would be different, and then it hasn't been different. It's been the same old song.

Would it be easier if these people acknowledged that what I had been told to expect wasn't going to happen? Perhaps, but not necessarily. At least then I wouldn't struggle with trust on top of struggling with disappointment. Maybe I need to simply accept that, with these people, they want to be different, they want to make these changes, even to the point of telling me they will ~ but they won't. Would it be easier for me to just learn and accept that? Perhaps. But I'd still be struggling with disappointment so...*shrug* I don't know. I don't have all the answers.

I know I dislike myself when I am disappointed in someone. Yet, I also know I want to care enough and trust enough to have expectations of people, and when we have expectations, we can be disappointed. It's a Catch-22, I guess.

Those are angsty Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.


appsRus said...

Understood. Some years ago I was told (by a person for whom I had/have no respect) that my reaction to some such events was "And here's one for the horse you rode in on..."".

Gay Soldier's Husband said...

Ugh. We're dealing with a lot of this ourselves. Lately I tend to cut these people out of my life - which may not be the healthiest course of action, either...

BostonPobble said...

AppsRUs ~ I can see that about you. And you know, I hope, coming from me, that's a HUGE compliment. :)

GSH ~ Maybe there's something in the water right now...?