Saturday, February 01, 2014

I Am Snart!

Forgive me while I go all self-help-y on you for a moment, but I have come to a decision. I am done chasing friendships. Now, I don't mean accepting the natural ebb and flow of relationships, or being unforgiving about a busy/tough/introverted/introspective time in a friend's life. Not at all. But I am talking about being the only one invested. The only one who is contributing anything real to our dynamic.

Because this decision was made after the realization that I had several people in my life that I was, indeed, chasing. Several months ago, Denny said to me "Pobble, don't fall in love with potential." I scoffed at that because, honestly, waiting for someone to grow into their potential has never been my strong suit. To the point that I've rightfully (within this context) been accused of being cold-hearted. But what dawned on me shortly after he said it was that, while I wasn't in love with potential, I was ~ and have been ~ in love with what was. The friendships and relationships that existed before. That I had been unwilling to see shift.

Some people, I've been chasing for months. A couple, I've been chasing for a couple of years now ~ as embarrassing as that is to admit. And these friends, these old friends, have always responded well and enthusiastically when I initiated ~ but they didn't initiate themselves. A few, when they would initiate, would have nothing but lighthearted, insignificant, blatherings to offer me ~ when I knew they had real things happening in their worlds. If they couldn't be bothered, or didn't care, to share the real stuff with me, I don't know. I know it was shared with others, though. Others who now mean what I once meant.

When I checked in, I was told all was well, in spite of it not being so. And when I said "I need more than this. I need you to be invested, please" they were just as enthusiastic ~ and nothing has changed.

So, I have come to realize, to admit, that these friendships are not what they once were. Maybe it's me; maybe it's them; maybe it's a combination. Honestly, the why doesn't matter as much as the that. And the that is that as much as I want to still matter in the way I once did, I don't. And it's time to stop chasing them.

I don't need to make any grand pronouncement, calling them out, or telling them we can't be friends any longer, or they aren't welcome in my life, or any other great dramatic gesture. I do need to let go. Be grateful when I hear from them; not worry when I don't.

Now, before it starts to sound like a pity party ~ or to nip it in the bud, if it has started to sound like one ~ the reason I can now see all of this, and stop all of this, is because I have, once again, remembered just how fucking amazing I am. Oh, I have faults, and I screw up, and my laundry list of neuroses is pages long ~ but I am a pretty fucking fabulous human being, with all the messy imperfection that implies. 

I deserve friends that want me actively in their lives ~ not to chase people who, at best, take me for granted, and at worst, aren't all that interested in keeping a part of their lives. Hell, I have friends who want me in their lives, who love me, and value me, and bring something real to our interactions. Some of them, I'm in touch with almost daily. Others, months will go by between contact, but it's real and genuine and heartfelt, and that's what matters. Curiously, a couple of those friends are going through similar things with their old friends. Maybe it's in the air. Whatever it is, the time has come to value those friendships more, and worry less about the friendships that used to be. Because those people are as worth it as I am. And already, I am more at peace.

Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.


MikeC said...

I relate.

I initiate. They don't (for the most part). Time to stop chasing. Yes. We once had many parallels in our lives. We would spend ninety minutes over coffee and not be done talking but have to get on with our day. Lives change. Priorities change. Parallels are no longer parallel. Time to move on and let go.

Thank you for that, Pobble.

BostonPobble said...

Mike C ~ First, I'm sorry you are going through this as well. I (obviously) understand the pain/frustration/hurt/sadness/insert uncomfortable emotion here. Second, if this helped in any way, I'm glad I posted. Third, may you find the same kind of peace in your decision that I have found in mine.

Dennis R. Upkins said...

One thing I've come to learn over the years is that some people are in your life for a reason and some are in your life for a season. in any event, onward and upward.

BostonPobble said...

Dennis R Upkins ~ Exactly.