Saturday, November 22, 2008

No DesireTo Gloat

An interesting thing happened this past week. Out of the clear blue, Crow Mother got an email from the SGM. After checking with me, she wrote him back and they have been in that sporadic, tentative communication that we tend to go through with people we were once very close to and aren't any longer.

She and I wondered and speculated. He must be on deployment. There would be no way he would be contacting her if he were at home and Wifey would know. We
knew he was miserable. gloatgloatgloat What would she tell him if/when he asks about me? What could she tell him if/when he asks about me? gloatgloatgloat

Sure enough, the email we were expecting arrived yesterday. He is "in a marriage that never should have happened to a person who doesn't respect (him) at all..."

Now, for those of you who don't know or who don't divorce from the SGM was not good. Very few divorces are. But we had been making it work, managing to stay friends. Until this woman came along. For a while, I tried to blame her entirely. Finally, though, I had to admit that he was an adult and capable of making decisions on his own. His choice to behave in these ways, agree to these demands and take these steps. She may have been the one to put the ideas in his head, she may have been the one pushing him to do them ~ he was the one who finally, at the end of the day, had to decide
Yes, I will do this, say this, behave this way. And the choices he made were vile. One of the last things I ever said to him was "SGM, God help your soul" because what he was doing was so completely contrary to the man I thought I knew him to be.

He contributed to a schism in my biofamily that, well, created the necessity for the word biofamily. And while that relationship has healed, it can never be what it once was (and I'm not saying different=worse. Different=different. I'm also not going to elaborate hugely here because it's not the focus of this post so just trust and go with me. Thanks.) Crow Mother and my mom made choices around the divorce that have lingering effects to this day (different=different.) And then he made choices around his new relationship that made Crow and my mother's choices obsolete ~ and the three of us were left holding the remnants of a family, wondering what the hell had happened.
And now, he was back.

Crow Mother and I waited for the email we knew would come.
I'm in a marriage that never should have happened to a person who doesn't respect me at all... Crow wrote me and said "I have no desire to gloat (but I understand yours!!!!!) but no sympathy, either. He did, indeed, bring it on himself."

I read those words over and over and over again.
I'm in a marriage that never should have happened to a person who doesn't respect me at all... I read those words and I looked down at my hands and there was my beautiful ring. I looked over and there was my beautiful man. I looked around and there was my beautiful life. And I realized ~ I have no desire to gloat, either. The SGM's unhappiness doesn't make me happy. Doesn't bring me pleasure. Like Crow Mother, I have no real sympathy. And yet...the gloating, superior, neener-neener-neerer feeling that I expected isn't there.

So I kiss on my dear Lithus. I joke with Timber and snuggle Lionel and write my three pages per day and plan to go visit the grandkid and light a fire to hold off the rainy day and and and...And when the SGM crosses my mind, I'll think it's a shame that he let his life become what it is. And then I'll go back to my life.

Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.


Anonymous said...


Nemeria said...

Impressive. As always, of course. And because of what you have said, I don't have the desire to gloat, either.

It's just really kind of sad.

Anonymous said...

I love you and so does God(dess) because, have written a point down for humanity and it's ability to not look down on a fellow man because it brings some twisted innate pleasure...except you remain happily as you are with only slight sadness or small more...and return to your daily life of beautiful nature.

If this all seems a little out there...the pain in my foot is distracting as ever.

Hermes said...

I can't say I'm as enlightened as are you. He had it coming. I feel bad for him. But I shake my head and say "Ye reap what ye sow." I wouldn't say its disdain. I think its... cutting off. You can't invest in him any longer. It would be wasted energy. He made his bed, let him lie in it and enjoy your day.

Aisha T. said...

BP, good for you--especially to recognize what you have, who you are and that you are above neener, neener.

Dennis R. Upkins said...

Does SGM stand for something other than his name?

I've learned a long time ago that living well is truly the best revenge. People like SGM are their own worst enemies and their own downfall. And you don't have to wish bad on them because they will do bad to themselves.

And while it would be easy to gloat (and you'd be well within your rights to do so) knowing that everything you believe has been confirmed and you've been vindicated, makes it easier to take the high road and move on.

Way to go.

BostonPobble said...

AppsRus ~ Thank you, my friend.

Nemeria ~ And thank you, as well.

Dreamer ~ It made perfect sense to me. ;)

GOML ~ It took a while to get to this point of "enlightenment" believe me. As for investing in him, Crow said she would be willing to chat with him so long as he didn't indicate he wanted to get back together with me. My response was she should feel free to laugh at him. She agreed, saying she would have to find a way to tell him I was now with someone who I was more compatible with on my worst days than I ever was with him on my best. Yeah. Not so invested any longer. :)

Aisha T ~ It was nice to discover there was no neener neener. Honestly, though, it was a surprise.

Dennis R Upkins ~ SGM is the military designation for Sergeant Major. He's a Green Beret. And everything you said is dead on.

traci said...

You are quite a woman my dear. Brava.

kimber said...

Well done, well done! It speaks volumes to the fullness of one's life when one no longer has to compare it against another's. *hugs*

My word verification is "Gracings". That seems, somehow, quite fitting.

CrackerLilo said...

That's a good place to be in, when it's your own life that makes you happy and not misfortunes in someone else's. The "marriage that never should've happened" is his problem. No fair of him to try and make it yours.

I came to a similar conclusion from another end. A couple years ago, I found out the man who literally got upset at me because I miscarried three times got married and fathered the babies he wanted. Took the wind right out of my sails. But hours later, I said, and meant, "It's all right. He gets to be happy, too." I am usually, like, the queen of the grudge-holders, the woman Carrie Underwood and Jazmyne Sullivan sang about in songs where some man gets the windows busted out of his ride. I amazed myself.

You amazed me, yet again. I'm happy for you, not gloating.

Rose said...

I totally agree with Dennis. Happiness is the best revenge. Most people don't stop to think that when you are in a relationship that causes your personality, actions, and attitude to change for the worse, you are in a bad situation.

BostonPobble said...

Traci ~ Thank you.

Wolfgrrrl ~ Gracings, indeed. Hugs back to you.

CrackerLilo ~ In fairness to him, he wasn't trying to make it my problem. Last he knew, Crow Mother and I were estranged. In fairness to her, I asked her to tell me what he said about Wifey (I admit it ~ I was hoping he'd be miserable ~ which is why not needing/wanting/feeling gloat-like is surprising.) And in fairness to me, I am pleased, too, that I am not feeling superior or gloat-like.
(although an unintended, unexpected byproduct of this post is saying that often enough that it's beginning to feel as if the lady doth protest too much. ah well. You can't have a blog without words, I suppose.)

Rose ~ Dennis R. Upkins is wise, wise, wise, isn't he? As are you ~ people should stop and think more often.