I think those may be the two scariest words in any author's vocabulary. They are right up there with "stage fright" for performers and whatever the equivalent is for visual artists. It is my greatest relief to announce that mine is past.
Here's my secret ~ I hadn't written a word of fiction in about three months. For the 6 to 8 weeks prior to that, I had been struggling. My words were coming harder, more stilted, less regularly. And then they ... dried up.
The nonfiction was still flowing strongly. My latest book was completed and has been edited within an inch of its life and more times than I care to count in record time. Every single article I owed my little indie paper got written beautifully and well. And while I haven't necessarily been as prolific as I may have been in the past, Pobble Thoughts got regular updates. But my fiction? Gone. Novels? Nope. Short stories? Nothing. A clever email to a friend to make her smile? Not even that.
I won't say I've never been more frightened in my life. I have been. Bottom line is, this is only work. However, it is not an overstatement to say I have never been more frightened in my professional life. And this is coming from a woman who once had a knife pulled on her while she was working single coverage at a shelter.
First, I am very end-game oriented. While I have a verbal agreement to publish the next two novels and have submitted proposals with a date, I have no signed contract. Where it stands right now is more along the lines of "Yeah, when you get it finished, let us know and we'll go from there." Well...guess what? Apparently, I don't work well with that kind of vague timeline. I thought that I did. I would've told you that I did. When I have deadlines, I work consistently and calmly toward them. I do not procrastinate. I do not wait until the last minute. I do not do better under stress (I don't do worse, mind you, I just don't do better, either). So...why would a deadline be important? I didn't think it was. It is. Who knew.
Second, the book that comes out in February didn't need editing. Oh, it needed punctuation and typo help. There were a couple sentences that got reworked. But it didn't need editing. As my editor put it, "I can make this book different; I can't make it better. Don't change anything." Which was amazingly, indescribably, earth-shatteringly, mind-blowingly flattering. Until now. Now, it's really tough to be the brand new author who is so good she can write a publishable first draft. I found myself agonizing over every phrase, every segue, every character choice. This is not conducive to getting words on paper or computer screen.
TTG, I have resolved both of these issues. I unofficially took on NaNoWriMo and the goal of 2000 words per day. That rate wouldn't have completed this novel (it's longer than NaNoWriMo suggests/requests/demands/challenges) but it gave me a deadline. Even if it was a self-imposed one, it was still external in a weird way that you either understand or you don't because I can't explain it. While I haven't met that 2000 words per day goal, I have written again. Almost every day. I have officially announced two, more realistic deadlines to my trade organization. This is scary ~ in that good way. So, deadlines handled. Lithus came up with the other solution: Pretend you're someone else. I thought about it. This other writer is still only on her second novel. Edits are desirable and anticipated and expected. Hell, to think this other person could write a novel without needing editing is foolish and unrealistic on anyone's part. And amazingly enough, this person doesn't have writer's block, either.
*whew*
So, as I continue NaNoWriMo, my posts may (or may not) be a little sporadic. Just know I'm here. I'm well. And I'm writing. :)
Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.
9 comments:
Glad to know you are back doing what you love!
I am so glad I found your page. Believe me, you are inspiring. I will get my book out there!
Dreamer ~ Thank you, sweetheart. It feels good to be doing it again, too.
Fran Caldwell ~ Again, thank you for your words. And yes! You WILL get your book out there. I have faith.
In any art, sometimes every erg of outpit is torture. Sometimes, paintings paint themselves. Songs get written on the back of matchbooks over hard liquor, I once read that Vonnegut wrote Slaughterhouse five as it occurred to him. There were scraps of popcorn boxes, cardboard, napkins, a ripped tablecloth... all handed in to the publisher at the same time. There are no rules. Sometimes the painstakingly planned book will be crap, sometimes brilliant. The same for books written overnight after you woke up from a scary dream.
In other words... I have no advice and reserve no judgment. Just glad its all flowing for you and happy to read you again.
Oupit. Ha.
Having been a "professional" writer in my own niche for more years than you have been alive (I think!), GOML has it right. There are times when writing is like swimming through molasses and the product stinks. There are times when the flow works. Setting those daily self imposed deadlines is a key. And then being prepared to do what Picasso was famous for -- throwing away a lot of what he created.
From another perspective, a teacher of pottery surprised a class by asking that each student select a pot they had made, then join him outside. When the class gathered, he told them to smash the pot they had selected. It's just clay. You can throw another.
Happy writing.
Glad to hear that this story had a happy ending as I knew from the title of the post that is wasn't going to be fun. It certainly can feel like the world is collapsing on you when it seems that you can't write a single sentence worth reading (at least it feels that way to me). On the flip side, it is a fine feeling when things are flowing nicely, which sounds like the case now.
Smart move on the arbitrary deadline/words per day, and keep up the good work.
Finally, the stabbing seems like its own post in the future. Ha.
I'm glad you found a way to get back to writing. I've about given up on the NaNoWriMo goal, mostly because I keep running into so many things I don't know. ("If they have almost no electricity, how do they make bicycles and keep them running? Let's see how they did it in the 1800s....")
I can see how that would just plain scare the hell out of you. This is your dream job, not just your job. Thanks for sharing this story--it's inspiration for others.
At least you are getting a hold on it. I signed up for Nano but unfortunately could not get with it this time. I hate that because this is a good way to get a book half way completed.
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