Sometimes, I get frustrated. I remember the life I lived. I remember the promises I made to myself. I know the life I want. Weekly manicures; monthly pedicures, eyebrow waxing and hair cuts; fresh flowers; coffee on the porch or balcony; reading at the cafe; napping in the park; writing letters in the coffee shop; writing books in the diner; walking under the lights of the city; dinner after nine; a vacation once a year...maybe twice if that's not too much to ask for. Laughing with my friends. Holding hands with my love. Coffee, conversation and cocktails.
It's not supposed to be about what's on television, Deadliest Catch episodes, rented movies and long silences. It's not supposed to be about a trip to the grocery store or Target being a big day out or my walk being what gets me out of the house for a little while. It's not supposed to be about naps because I'm bored and have nothing else to do and laundry for three when I'm the only one here.
I lived it. I had it. I miss it. The friends I've shared this with really do understand. That's big. That's helpful. My partner really does understand. That's huge. That's more than helpful.
I know I will get there again. I know I just have to give it time. And usually, I can give it time. Usually, I'm okay with it being out there and soon instead of right here and now. Sometimes, though, sometimes I get frustrated.
Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.
13 comments:
I love you.
"New" is hard. It's worth it, but it's hard.
xoxox
Graziella ~ Thanks. I love you, too.
Jaded ~ Yeah, I *do* know that. Just sometimes... *sigh*
I love the vision of that life. Never had it, but would love to have had. As a stressed-out worker in the coal mines of Silicon Valley, I would love a more refined and elegant style of life. But those golden handcuffs fit awfully tight, and the risk in removing them is too great.
It's not supposed to be the disappointed looks you give into situations that have already passed and been repeated...it's not the excitement that swells and then quickly fades because no one is there to share the excitement that's the emptiness around you...the car isn't supposed to be empty 95% of the time, trips to Target, Wal*Mart, and Chic-Fil-A nothing but trips; no longer the adventures they once were.
It's not what you once had but it's what was taken away from me and is temporarily placed with oppressive humidity and an aura of recycled gossip and activities...
It sucks balls, darling. But we're tough...so fuck it all, stick a pen behind your ear, and trudge on through it with your beautiful shoes.
BTDubs (btw in semi-German) oops...my bad.
<3,
Dreamer
You're so much braver than I am... you've had all of these things to miss. I think sometimes that I've let my life just happen to me far too much. Longing does not a Life make. And Survival's not good for anything but its own sake.
When you were here, you helped me see what was missing in my life and I've been steadily moving towards that. But sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back. (I remember the person who taught me to two-step... slowly but surely, you keep moving forward, and if you've got a good partner, it doesn't seem as hard.)
You told me, "I don't bring anything into my life that I don't love," (or something wise to that effect) and I've been trying to live by that, too. We're all finding our way right now... it's coming back.
Dreamer's right... beautiful shoes, baby! Beautiful shoes!
Love you!
Crow
You had them to miss them, and you'll have them again, when the time is right. Your reasons for not having them now are worth the wait.
At least, that's what I keep telling myself.
Oh, honey, I could about have written that four years ago when I came to NYC.
Did you know the state of Florida over my heart was my first tattoo? I got it right before I left.
It sucks to have to choose between good things. Choosing between bad things is easy by comparision--you know you're missing out on at least one horrible thing and you choose the smaller one. A choice between good things means you have to let something you love go. *hug*
I'm going through that too. All I can say is just keep persevering and hopefully with a little good fortune, you'll get to that place.
-Neo_Prodigy
I totally "get" this post. Every single word. It's good that you can write it. Brava.
oh sweetie, what they all said...
{{{hugs}}} I'm so there with you girlfriend...
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