Saturday Ramblings on Wednesday

1. Nemeria's wedding: Is this weekend. I head out tomorrow for five days of keeping her calm; last minute shopping; manicures, pedicures and other salon stuff; eating lots of really good food; general girl stuff (yes, contrary to popular belief, I am a girl); and celebrating two of my favorite people. It promises to be a great weekend.

2. Butterflies: I got 'em. And the crazy thing is I got 'em over a boy who lives in California of all places. The thing that sucks is, of all the guys I've met on my site, all the guys who have already asked to meet me or think they are in love with me, even the other guys I really like and want to get to know better ~ this guy is the one who gives me butterflies. And he likes me too, I just don't know how much or if I give him butterflies. At least I know I can get butterflies still/again. It's been several years, several boyfriends, and a couple of friends with benefits since I've had butterflies. I'm a girl but I'm rarely girly. Seriously, though, they're kinda nice. As much as they suck.

3. The Fourth of July: I'm a goob. I admit it. For me, the Fourth of July is about the founding of this country. It's about the men who sat in that hot, sticky room in Philadelphia and risked their lives so we can live in this great country. And it is a great country ~ even with everything that's going on right now. There's a reason one of my few heros is John Adams. In the midst of all the fun, the friends, the cookouts and fireworks, please take just a moment to remember what we're celebrating. As Jaded will understand: I have crossed the Rubicon. Let the bridge be burned behind me, come what may, come what may.... They did an amazing thing. They crossed the Rubicon. They changed the world.

4. Getting my appetite back: No, I still haven't done it. But I have even more motivation than I did before. There is a place here in Woo called The Armadillo Depot and they claim to serve "Real Texas BBQ." Now, I'm skeptical ~ but I gotta try it. It's not decent Mexican food (something New England is notorious for doing badly) but I'll take decent Texas BBQ.

5. Boston: I'm back to writing full-time. This means I am no longer as desperate as I was to get back into the city. I will still go back, don't get me wrong. It's still home and its only flaws (in my opinion) are that the T stops running too early, there aren't enough 24 hour joints and it's an entire flipping country away from California (see Ramble #2). All of which means, I'll get my ass back there as soon as possible. But I'm writing again. And that makes Woo worth it.

6. The Gothic Charm School: We started with Nemeria so we might as well end with her, as well. She sent me a link to the Gothic Charm School. It's over there with the rest of them now. Apparently, I not the only one who appreciates thigh high boots and Emily Post. And that doesn't suck.

Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.

72:20

One hour, twelve minutes and twenty seconds. That's the amount of time that passed between the time I answered the phone and the time I hung it up. For two self-professed phone haters, we ate up some time. We talked about living life and grief and apartments and Boston and riding public transportation and the power of listening and, and, and... The similarities we expected were truly there. The personalities we expected were truly there. The love we expected was truly there. The first words I heard were "I have balls." The last words I heard were "Love you, dear. And thank you."

Thank you. To me. He said thank you ~ to me. This person I have emailed, instant messaged and leaned on from over a thousand miles away. Said thank you, to me. I'm the one who's honored. Never doubt that true affection can grow over a computer link.

Dondon009's voice was the sweetest sound I've heard in a long while.

Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee. But not much of a wine buzz.

Always the Bridesmaid...

This is an interesting time. As I have mentioned previously, I am in three weddings this year. First is Nemeria's this weekend. I spent this morning at Target getting all those things an honor attendant should have with her ~ tiny scissors, emery boards, breath mints, safety pins ~ you get the idea. Angry Girlfriend's wedding is next. I spent the early afternoon designing and picking out invitations for her shower. Finally, last but never least, is my Wonder Twin's wedding. TTG I'm "just" a bridesmaid for that one. I couldn't do right by Wonder Twin's fiancee as her honor attendant.

What makes it interesting, though, isn't the weddings. It's my reaction to the weddings. Over the three or four years since my marriage went sour, several friends have gotten married. I have even been in some of the weddings. And each time, regardless of how I felt about the couple or how strong they were together, I wanted to shake them and scream "Don't do it!"

Until now.

Understand, I still know the statistics. According to the numbers, two of these couples will divorce, will go through the hell I've been through. While I hope that's not the case ~ and don't forsee it ~ those are the stats. However, my change of heart isn't about the stats. It isn't even about the couples themselves. I had the "run" reaction when the Blackbelts got married and they are the strongest couple I know.

The change of heart is about me. My own healing. My own remembering that love can and does exist ~ and is a good thing. Am I racing out and finding a man to marry? Aw hell no. Let's be honest. There's probably a reason the men I like the most on my site are hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away. The difference is I can now be truly, deeply happy for my friends. And I'll take that for now.

Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.

Thoughts on Tim Russert

For the past week, I have been blog-stuck. Don't get me wrong ~ there have been plenty of things to write about: the amazing conversation I had with my fiction editor; the special men I have been meeting on my site; the...not so special but definitely interesting men I have met on the site; Nemeria's wedding; the Summer Solstice; giggling before sleep because my life was just so damn good... You get the idea.

But none of it felt right somehow.

Sunday was Father's Day. It's one of the three days that still consistently sting. My mother sent me a Father's Day gift. Tim Russert's new book. This has certain duality for me. First and foremost, Tim Russert is my single favorite journalist working today. He will go in the annals with the likes of Cronkite and Koppel. The night of the Bush/Gore election when he was sitting there with a white board and erasable markers, I remember thinking "I wonder if he realizes his life is about to change and he's about to become the news' 'It-Man'" Secondly, I am learning he is a good father.

I don't know Tim Russert. I will never know Tim Russert. Six degrees of separation be damned ~ this man and I will never be friends. Which means I have never seen him parent. I don't have to.

When you are raised by a man who loves you, respects you, likes you ~ all unconditionally ~ you know what it sounds like when you hear it in someone else. Tim Russert is a good dad.

He is also an amazing writer. His stories are gentle, almost soft, and yet I find myself wanting more of his stories, less of the stories he is setting up. Yes, I can read Big Russ and Me, the book that started it all. But that's not what I want to read. I want to read more of his stories about his son, Luke, and how the two of them relate.

So, if you are looking for a good book this summer, to enjoy under a nice tree with a glass of whatever, or on the beach, or sitting in front of your air conditioner ~ may I recommend Tim Russert. He' worth it.

Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.

PT S..Revisited

FAEE: Guess what I have on my desk?

Pobble: I don't know.

FAEE: I actually have tears in my eyes.

Pobble: *gasp* Is Boyfriend there? Did he propose? Is it a ring?

FAEE: nope

Pobble: A job offer?

FAEE: Try again.

Pobble: I don't know...you're killin' me. Tell me.

FAEE: Guess.

Pobble: O.M.G. is it the book?

The FAEE gave me her desk copy of Test Words You Should Know today. It's a book. It's an honest to goodness, real, actual book. It will hit shelves in 2 to 4 weeks. But I've got my copy in my hot little hands.

We have toasted ourselves, our friendship, our partnership and my grandmother. We have flipped through and examined sentences and paragraphs and oohed and aaahed over the cover. We have laughed over the fact that neither one of us knew what the hell we were doing when we started this process. And now we have a book.

Then it was over to Peaches' place. She rescheduled her evening so that we could stretch out on her bed and flip through the book. She is my fellow word-freak friend. We ate lots of Chinese food and giggled and laughed and talked about how annoying it is when people use apostrophes incorrectly. The inscription on her copy is going to read: To my favorite misanthrope. She's thrilled.

And finally, I was picking P. C. up from work tonight. When I handed him the book, he asked "PT S...who's that?" And, as if I had scripted it, I got to say "Me." Big grins all the way around ~ and he pretended to throw it out the window. Trust me, this is a compliment and means he is happy for me. He's one of those men. ;)

So ~ I have a book. I don't just have a contract or a manuscript. It's a book.

Hot damn. I know I have to sleep again eventually ~ just not yet.

Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.

To Blow Off Steam

"to do or say something that helps you get rid of strong feelings or energy."
http://www.idioms.thefreedictionary.com

Yeah, that's about right. It was a good weekend. Now I can get back to work.

Those are totally steam-less Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day, Weenie.

I love you even more than I miss you.

Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.

Saturday Ramblings, Again

* Dancing has always, is and will probably continue to be my second favorite way to blow off steam.

* The Lovely Cats was in town for a few hours yesterday. We had the single most Pobble-defining moment possible. She wrote about it far better than I ever could so click here:

The Lovely Cats and the Pobble-defining Moment

then come back.


Yep, that's me. A thigh-high wearing etiquette fiend.

* 3:30 in the morning is not a good time to discover the clean laundry you dumped out onto your bed earlier didn't fold and put itself away.

* Did you know Lancelot was a 12th century addition to the Arthurian legend? (Okay ~ did anyone besides the Lovely Cats know this?) Nope, me neither. Originally, although Camelot still fell, Arthur went down fighting with Guinevere by his side. Now this is a legend I can live with. (The early Christians really had a thing about women being villains, didn't they? Sorry...digressing again...) Anyway, it's amazing what you can learn when you chat with a cool person instead of a Topekan blood-sucker.

* Paraphrasing the greatest joke EVER:

I don't have a boyfriend. I do have someone who would get really pissed off to hear me say that.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! I am so easily amused.

* I am learning I am bad at writing scripts for slasher films. Too much plot. Too much character development. Too much talking. Silly me, I actually want there to be a reason these kids are where they are and getting chopped to bits. Give me a trashy romance novel anyday. Those folks love talking.

* I want a maid all the time. I need a maid during crunch time. Ugh. Somehow I don't think the elves that steal the sticky notes off my desk are going to do my dishes, though. Afterall, they didn't fold the laundry.

Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.

Only In My World, Take 2

I have found an online dating/personals site I really like. The people are more like me, less like everybody else. Admittedly, I have only been on for about two days now but so far, it's good. With one exception.

In two days, I have managed to pick up Yucky Boy. In fairness, I also managed to lose him. It went like this (as I explained to Angry Girlfriend earlier):

Pobble: we IM'd lsat night for about 15 minutes. lots of things i didn't like about the conversation but figured it's IM and what the hell. i didn't have to be rude. so, he tells me he likes blood sucking. BLOOD SUCKING um... no. i make it very clear that i'm not interested. he says ok and we keep chatting. then he tells me he will pay for half my ticket to fly out to topeka, kansas (which is as offensive to me as bloodsucking, honestly)

Angry Girlfriend: Topeka!?

Pobble: in an attempt to be nice (again, mistake) i tell him i rarely leave massachusetts because it has everything i need. now, you and i both know this is BS but i didn't want to go off on him about how effing stupid that was. as soon as i type that i rarely leave MA, he says "we're done here. bye." i say "ta" and think "oh thank god!"

Angry Girlfriend : this is all I can must up in response. I am laughing and amazed and so many other things that there is no emoticon

Pobble: next thing i know i have a comment on my profile from him reading "i feel sorry for this person. she is pathetic." at which point, i refuse to engage. i mean ~ are we adults or in high school? ~ but i do write the webmaster, explain the whole situation and ask what can be done.

Angry Girlfriend: But seriously he is a blood sucking man from Topeka Kansas. Can you be anymore pathetic

Pobble: they remove the comment from my profile and assure me that if i have any other problems with this guy, they will take further action. a bloodsucking guy from topeka kansas who bonds so quickly he is willing to fly someone out to him after a 15 minute instant message. dude...

Angry Girlfriend: wow hmmm wow up hmmm

Pobble: i'm thinking perhaps the webmaster read over the instant message conversation (you know they archive them) and realized that i related the conversation accurately

Angry Girlfriend: Only you Pobble. Me I would get on the same site and meet an accountant.

At which point I snorted my coffee.

Even I could not make this shit up.

Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.

June 15th

I'm going to make my deadline. It was questionable there for a little while, which is an unhappy, very yucky first for me. We ~ the FAEE, my collaborator, and I ~ were all a little concerned. Luckily, we're gonna make it. Whew.

Over the past two weeks, I haven't: seen much of my friends; checked my phone messages; I didn't go to NY to see the Duck and meet new Santa Fe kids (or see Alan Cummins in Three Penny Opera ~ whimper). I haven't cleaned my apartment or my car. I haven't returned the movies I rented at the beginning of crunch time. I have been a bad honor attendant to not one but two different brides and have been a worse bridesmaid to a third.

Over the past two weeks, I have: lost another four pounds; taken care of Lionel and Daisy; had breakfast with the Lovely Cats and her parents; and met my deadline. Luckily for me, I have also instant messaged with Pharmyard and P. C. who keep writers' hours eventhough they are, obviously, not writers. Goddess love them ~ they are always willing to tell me if a definition makes any sense or not when my eyes have started to cross and I just don't know any longer.

So, that's where I've been. Making sure I was gonna make this deadline and instant messaging with two friends who've been awake, willing to read definitions and help keep me sane. Crunch time is over now so I'll be back again. After I blow off a little steam, of course. >:)

Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.

The Grief Process

According to people who know this stuff, the grief process is generally accepted to work something like this: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression and 5. Acceptance. (The truth of this concept and the psychological accuracy of the process can wait for another post, please.) I have watched it in clients; I have held friends while they lived through it. What I'm realizing is I've never been aware of going through all five steps personally. The deep losses in my life didn't lend themselves to all of the steps. There was no room for denial or bargaining. That just hasn't been how loss and grief have presented themselves to me.

Until now.

The One in VA saw the pentacles.

In all the time I've been Pagan, she never knew until I outted myself here. Even then, she didn't say anything. Then I posted the pictures. Because I am more out here than I am in my "real" life, I didn't worry that the necklace showed around my neck. I lifted my pantleg high enough to show the pommel of the tattoo sword.

And she saw the pentacles.

For her, it is devil worship. It is witchcraft. It is evil. My assurances that it is none of these things have been met with silence. My faith is tainted by stereotypes and frightened teachings. Its beautiful, peaceful, inclusive nature is overshadowed by fear, loathing and misunderstanding.

Prior to this, we would have told you there was nothing we would not do for the other one. Apparently, we were wrong. Her religion suffers not a witch to live and, if I prefer the term "Pagan" to "witch," that is irrelevant. My religion is too important to me (as religions should be, in my opinion) to turn away from.

And so, for the first time, I am dealing with the official grief process.

1. It's just a misunderstanding. Surely this person will be able to see past the stereotypes and demonization of my faith. I just have to find the right words to explain the truth of the matter.

2. What the fuck. It's 2006. Paganism is a beautiful, peaceful religion that has brought me closer to God than Christianity ever did and isn't that the point? Who the fuck is your minister to preach against my faith?

3. Okay, fine. I'll out myself fully, work toward education and breaking down barriers if she'll get it. (Which goes hand in hand interestingly enough with...) I'll go back in the Pagan closet. I'll worship quietly. Just let her get it.

4. She's been my friend since 1989. How can this really be happening? We're on the phone several times a week. We instant message almost every night. I don't want this. Her loss will leave such a hole... My heart is breaking. Oh Goddess, help me.

5. Sigh. Yes, it is 2006. Yes, it's a beautiful religion. And yes, there are still people who don't get it and are afraid. Sadly, the One is one of them. My coming out before I'm ready or going back in the Pagan closet will not change any of that. My anger will not change any of that. It is...what it is. Sigh.

I have no doubt that she will always pray for my soul to be saved from the "evil" that has taken it over. I will always continue to hope that one day she can understand the truth of my faith. And I will look forward to the day when we meet on the otherside so we can embrace in friendship again, having both been "right" ~ neither of us evil or damned.

For now, there are many reasons I worship quietly. Why I'm not "out" many places but here. The grief process is only one of them.

Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.

'Nuff Said

It will be legible if you click on it...


Those are Wiley's Thoughts and Pobble's Life. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.

Answers

Again, thank you for the very, very nice things you said about me, my shoes, my tat, my shirt and my boobs. We all thank you. Now, I have gotten some requests for information about where they all came from. The boobs are genetic so I can't help you there. As for the rest of it...

The t-shirt comes from one of our own ~ Cracker Lilo. I am not skilled enough with HTML to get the cafe press link here. For some reason, it's fighting me (and it's winning) so, here is the address: http://www.cafepress.com/scarylikelove Cut, paste and shop. She has linked the shop to her site as well so you can always click here: Cracker Lilo's Porch and follow her lead. She beat the evil HTML code in a way I just couldn't.


The shoes are a brand called "The Highest Heel." Here is my favorite place to buy them: pretty, pretty shoes


And the tat. My beautiful, beautiful tat. *sigh* The genius behind that is Natan at Darkwave Studios or Lightwave Studios. Here's how you find him: Natan


Those are Pobble Thoughts, getting by with a little help from her friends. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.

Pictures

I'm being brave and posting pics here ~ and pics actually of my face. Okay, of my calf, my boobs and my face. If I'm gonna do it, I might as well do it, right?


Fire symbols tattoo. There it is. As promised.
Isn't it bee-yoo-tee-ful?










And the boobs. In a t-shirt designed by Cracker Lilo (I can't get the link here but trust me ~ you NEED one of these shirts!)












And finally ~ Me. The Boston Pobble. Full-face and everything.








Those are Pobble Thoughts (with a comment or two from Cracker Lilo!) That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.