According to people who know this stuff, the grief process is generally accepted to work something like this: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression and 5. Acceptance. (The truth of this concept and the psychological accuracy of the process can wait for another post, please.) I have watched it in clients; I have held friends while they lived through it. What I'm realizing is I've never been aware of going through all five steps personally. The deep losses in my life didn't lend themselves to all of the steps. There was no room for denial or bargaining. That just hasn't been how loss and grief have presented themselves to me.
Until now.
The One in VA saw the pentacles.
In all the time I've been Pagan, she never knew until I outted myself here. Even then, she didn't say anything. Then I posted the pictures. Because I am more out here than I am in my "real" life, I didn't worry that the necklace showed around my neck. I lifted my pantleg high enough to show the pommel of the tattoo sword.
And she saw the pentacles.
For her, it is devil worship. It is witchcraft. It is evil. My assurances that it is none of these things have been met with silence. My faith is tainted by stereotypes and frightened teachings. Its beautiful, peaceful, inclusive nature is overshadowed by fear, loathing and misunderstanding.
Prior to this, we would have told you there was nothing we would not do for the other one. Apparently, we were wrong. Her religion suffers not a witch to live and, if I prefer the term "Pagan" to "witch," that is irrelevant. My religion is too important to me (as religions should be, in my opinion) to turn away from.
And so, for the first time, I am dealing with the official grief process.
1. It's just a misunderstanding. Surely this person will be able to see past the stereotypes and demonization of my faith. I just have to find the right words to explain the truth of the matter.
2. What the fuck. It's 2006. Paganism is a beautiful, peaceful religion that has brought me closer to God than Christianity ever did and isn't that the point? Who the fuck is your minister to preach against my faith?
3. Okay, fine. I'll out myself fully, work toward education and breaking down barriers if she'll get it. (Which goes hand in hand interestingly enough with...) I'll go back in the Pagan closet. I'll worship quietly. Just let her get it.
4. She's been my friend since 1989. How can this really be happening? We're on the phone several times a week. We instant message almost every night. I don't want this. Her loss will leave such a hole... My heart is breaking. Oh Goddess, help me.
5. Sigh. Yes, it is 2006. Yes, it's a beautiful religion. And yes, there are still people who don't get it and are afraid. Sadly, the One is one of them. My coming out before I'm ready or going back in the Pagan closet will not change any of that. My anger will not change any of that. It is...what it is. Sigh.
I have no doubt that she will always pray for my soul to be saved from the "evil" that has taken it over. I will always continue to hope that one day she can understand the truth of my faith. And I will look forward to the day when we meet on the otherside so we can embrace in friendship again, having both been "right" ~ neither of us evil or damned.
For now, there are many reasons I worship quietly. Why I'm not "out" many places but here. The grief process is only one of them.
Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.
16 comments:
All I can say is...-_-;.
I really don't know what to say actually, I want to say, "No, stand up for what you believe in, do NOT go back into the closet, revel in the beauty that is the assurance that your religion is what you love, what helps you get through your days, is your serenity, is your life. Do not back down, do not let her win, even though she is, was, will be once again your true friend if you back down that's another one for them, for the people who just want to beat you down until you're silent."
Remember my car? Did I back down? No and you shouldn't either. We loose people in the process of being who we are but that happens...grief happens...life happens...
I love you.
Pobble, my heart goes out to you!!
I'll light a candle for you tonight.
This is a very big world...and it holds a great many people.
Some will love us BECAUSE of who we are and some will love DESPITE who are and the rest, sadly, love based on their own requirements.
I am so sorry, though...it would always be lovely to be loved for oneself, regardless of belief system.
We've spoken of this very thing on several occasions. I am so sorry that you can't have similar conversations with The One. At least, not right now.
A symbol means nothing unless you choose to allow it meaning. Even then, it only means what you choose to have it mean. It only has power if you allow it to have power. Even as a Christian, a pentacle meant as a symbol of evil has no power over me because I have faith that it will do me no harm. Hell, the devil himself could dance a jig in front of me, while wearing a kilt and playing the bagpipes, and it would cause me no harm because I choose not to give him power. I believe I am protected by a power greater than that.
The pentacle is the ancient symbol of the male and the female put together. At least for Pagans, right? For satanists, it means something else entirely. To me, it means nothing. Same symbol, 3 meanings.
I hope and pray that this can be worked out for you. And while I know you know this, I will say it anyway... You have said any number of times how important your religion is to you. It is part of who you are, and helps you identify your place in the grand scheme of things. If someone is so vehemently against your religion, they are against who you are as a human being. A friendship endures without regard to differences. If it exists only when you have a similar belief system and ends because you don't, perhaps it wasn't the kind of friendship you had originally thought. Or, it could very well be that The One needs time to adjust to the idea. If it is the former, then you must grieve the loss, because while symbolic, it is still a death of sorts. If it is the latter, then give it time.
You are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend. Hold your head high and be proud of your life, and your beliefs.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry that your friend has decided to lose a friend over a choice of religion. This is 2006, freedom of choice.
I hope you can find peace knowing you have done nothing to put the wedge between you and your friend.
Why should anyones choice of religion decided who one can associate with.
Sorry your going though a tough time.
ps. when you showed your pics i did comment on your necklace because i liked it and i was trying to find one similar, and it too
vThanks everyone. Seriously. The support means a great deal. More than you might realize. I have also accepted the fact that she is, in her mind, standing up for her own faith the same way I am standing up for mine. I would want nothing less from anyone. Personally, I may feel the teachings of her religion/demonination are outdated in this regard. HOWEVER, that does not cancel the fact that she is indeed standing up for her faith. Even as it makes me sad/angry/furstrated, I can respect it.
Dreamer ~ have you ever known me to back down from anything? ;) No worries, my friend.
Krystal ~ Thanks. I'll take the candle and your good wishes.
Tai ~ Generally, I don't worry why or even if people love me or not. I'm me and that's fine. then there is that small group of people we have who *matter*. (I know you know what I mean 'cause I've seen pics of them ;) ) The One was part of my small group. That's why this one is tougher than others have been. Ah well...
Traci ~ ((((hug))))
Jaded ~ yeah, you know.
Nemeria ~ you know too. thanks for being there the other night. (for everyone else, Nemeria is also in the small group I just mentioned to Tai. her response to all this? "you know there's nothing you could do to make me stop being your friend, right?" gotta love that.)
Nancy ~ no worries. I only heard your comment as a comment, not a condemnation. and I can suggest some good shops where you might find a nice necklace next time you get back to Boston.
I'm sorry i had to exit my post, i'm at work and had to go. but what i wanted to say is; The symbol I was looking for was similar, but it symbolized the Creator, the Living, the veil and the beginning of the Underworld, it’s called the Grace. It is in the Terry Good kind series The Sword of Truth, a must read if you believe in the above.
I wish you well, take care
I had the symbol made, and theycame out very nice. Both of my teens love theirs and I have a larger one hanging on my dresser.
again hang in there.
I read this yesterday, and walked around with it in my mind. I wonder if your friend denounces all religions, or only religions she doesn't understand, or fears. And 25 years of action and fierce friendship can just be tossed?
Is she all right?! Did she forget her meds?
I am sorry. Not knowing her, but feeling like I know you well enough to imagine your commitment to your loved ones...and they to you...she MUST come around and apologize, yes?
Tsk. Hang in there.
i'll pray for her to find understanding.
love you!
Don't go back to the closet! Your religion is an important and intricate part of you--and you don't need to explain why to anyone. It might take your friend awhile to come around but, there is also the risk that she might not. That indeed would be a tragedy. Hopefully, she will see how much your religion--wether she agrees with it or not--is important to you and how you might even be that much better because of it.
I'm so sorry, it's hard to loose people and relationships, especially over somthing that understanding would clear up.
I will never understand why so many supposed Christians act directly outside what their faith teaches. I was raised and still am a practicing Christian, but learning about other faiths strengthens you as an individual, and being open minded to learn about other things takes away the false demonizations that so many organized religions promote.
My heart goes out to you, I hope that over time your friend can open her eyes to truth and understanding.
"And I will look forward to the day when we meet on the otherside so we can embrace in friendship again, having both been "right" ~ neither of us evil or damned."
My heart breaks for you and her. I admire you for your strength in such a situation. It takes a hell of a lot to remain true to yourself when doing so seems to strip the very fun parts of life away from you. The things you are trying to live the fullest for are now rejecting you.
I talk a big tough game, but I don't know if I'd be strong enough to hold my ground. I would hope I would be.
My thoughts are with you in this.
Jaded has a wonderful point (if I may paraphrase): a symbol only means what you want it to mean. For instance, I'm sure some of you are familiar with the celtic triquatra (AKA triquestra). It is a definate Pagan symbol. HOWEVER, while at the BAPTIST Christian bookstore I saw one. It was of simple design, just the three leaves, but they are selling it as a Christian symbol that represents the holy Trinity. I laughed and explained to the clerk that the triquatra pre-dates Christianity and told him what it meant.
So now, like Jaded said, this symbol has yet another meaning. Also, if you look at the symbol for the Lutheran church, it is an obvious Rune script. At least it's obvious to those of us who read Rune script. It's ancient, and the leaders today probably have no idea it's meaning (many in Christendom had to hide their beliefs, so they worked the symbols into Christian designs not telling that they had other meanings).
BTW, I swear that the clerk at the Baptist Bookstore was gay. I just don't think he knows it yet.
Dear Pobble,
There isn't much I can add to the wonderful words of advice and encouragement that have already been written. You have taken a step that should have given your friend a better understanding of you as a person and thus created an opening for your friendship to grow. I know the type of people you have in your inner circle, either through direct contact or from hearing about them from you (have you guessed yet who's finally responding on your blog) and I can't believe that you would let someone that far in that isn't capable of accepting your religion. It may take her time, but I am sure that she will figure it out that the person she has known all this time is not an evil, dancing in the town square buck naked at midnight, satan worshipper. (yes I realize the term is skyclad, the emphasis was on the appropriate place for doing so. it was not meant to offend) The point is that it will take time for her to come around (maybe a long time maybe a short time) and dispell all of the myths she has been taught all of her life. "Teach your children well" comes to mind. Just know that I believe that if she is a true friend of yours she is intelligent enough to make the connection that you are not what her teachings say you are. She is probably doing some reading up on the subject as we debate this topic. That's what I would be doing if I were in her shoes. Have faith in yourself and in her. I do.
If she doesn't I'll bring $10 and we can have donuts to go with that coffee on me.
Love,
Pharmyard
This post has made me incredibly sad.....
All I can tell you is "call me" whenever you want.
I'll be there.
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