The tough part is when my bravery fails me. Like, well, yeah, like now. I'm in a new place. A place I don't know AT ALL. I know no one but Lithus and he is often away. I am trying to get out; I'm trying explore. But to do it completely alone, without anyone to hold my hand...This is something I have always sucked at and now is no different.
It's also really, really hard to explain. See, a good majority of the time, I am incredibly competent and strong. I can either dig deep and be brave or I am comfortable and don't need bravery. So I do understand when people don't get why I am practically paralyzed. Why the thought of going out and exploring on my own is enough to bring me to tears and send me back under my blankets.
Honestly, I don't understand it either. It makes no sense. I have traveled all over the world. I have walked through inner cities. When a friend needs someone to come be with her, to help break her out of her out of her comfort zone, I'm the person she ~ whoever she is ~ inevitably calls. And I can do it. Nevermind that I don't know where the Target in Naugatuck is. Nevermind that I have never been to trapeze school or am slightly afraid of heights. Nevermind that I don't know where the voting place is either. Nevermind that I have navigated NYC with my heart twice and done just fine. Or that I took Lithus to Philly, a place I hadn't been in over a decade, and managed to show him around reasonably well and then went to Atlantic City, a place I've never been, and found the place, where to park, all of it. Or that I traveled from the US to Pune, India completely alone and never missed a beat. Or, or, or...
So why can't I explore my own new hometown alone? Why does it, indeed, practically paralyze me? Guess what? I don't know any more than you or anyone else knows. I only know it's true. And if you ask my friends, they will be the first ones to say "oh, yeah, the Pobble SUCKS at going it alone until she's done it once."
I live in a city I don’t know. That’s so big I can’t imagine learning it. And I’m just far enough outside of it that I can’t simply walk out my door and start exploring it. I have to know where I’m going enough to get to it in order to explore it in order to learn it. Only I don’t know it even well enough to find where I want to be in order to start exploring.
I suck at this. And that sucks. Because I like being braver than this. I like being stronger than this. I dislike having to admit any of this. I dislike the look in people's eyes and the tone in their voices when they begin to realize that, every time I've said this does and would happen, it isn't an exaggeration. It isn't being self-depreciating. It's really how and who I am. And no, it won't get easier in time. No, I'm not in episode. This is just...me. Outside of my comfort zone and without anyone to hold my hand through it.
And it sucks.
Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.
18 comments:
I think it makes complete sense. When you're exploring other places, it's always with the knowledge that you're going home again. When you're helping a friend, you're doing something specific for someone, and then you're going home again. It's about the friend, not about you. You get to go home where it's comfortable and where your surroundings are familiar. The problem now is that you are home, but it's a stranger at the moment. The proverbial security blanket has been removed, and you have to wander out into the great big world with no feeling of familiarity. It's no longer a situation of "if I don't like them or they don't like me I can just go Home." It's a matter of emotionally investing in a place, trying to take the unknown and making it the familiar. It's putting you, who you are as a person, on the line. What if you don't like it? What if they don't like you? Those things are terrifying, especially because you're already Home.
I don't think you need to be brave, necessarily. I think you just need to remember how awesome you are, and that what you have to offer is something special. They will like you. And you will like them. Just take some babysteps and go introduce yourself. Book club? Little eclectic coffe shop? Poetry/artists group? Or the job we talked about before?
Just my $.02.
xoxox
I have lived in my town my entire life, so I can't possibly know what you're feeling.
I like to hit the road and explore new places, new neighborhoods alone, but I always have my "security camera" with me (as in security blanket). It forces me to open my eyes more, gives me a purpose, and leaves me less an apparent wanderer.
Try it? Take your camera (don't forget the batteries!) out, and show us what you found today? I'd love to virtually explore with you.
Baby steps. Good luck.
This does suck. I agree. This is one reason that I enjoy vacationing in smaller places where the size and scale doesn't intimidate me and put me into a state of paralysis with too many options and nothing outside of guide books and Internet to guide me (the latter two worry me as well). So, the best way I've worked around this is to carve up the place into manegable bites, which is easier said than done, but I usuallly start with an area or attraction or something I enjoy doing and build out from there.
Regardless, good luck as this is the hard part and once you find your footing then the fun stuff begins.
Oh BP, I wish I were there to explore with you! What if you set small goals - find one thing a day (or every couple of days)? Okay, I'm sorry. I sound like my mom. When I first moved to go to Grad school, I ended up just going out driving around - no place specific in mind - just to see what was around. Of course, that was back when gas was still under a buck so this may not be an optimal idea.
Okay, so no help here. I wish I could make things easier and, really, it's okay to suck at something. You excel at so much as it is...
Love you!
Jersey Girl ~ In this case, it's not so much about meeting other people (although I generally suck at that too) or if they will like me or not (which actually doesn't bother me much and isn't the source of my shyness.) In this case, it's just about getting out of the immediate three mile radius around me.
GNightGirl ~ You are who people always expect me to be but I'm not. The curious thing is why people expect it of me when I am so open about the fact that it's not who I am. *sigh*
$$ ~ Oddly enough, of all my readers, I think you are the last one I would've expected to understand this the way you apparently do. "where the size and scale doesn't intimidate me and put me into a state of paralysis with too many options and nothing outside of guide books and Internet to guide me (the latter two worry me as well)." EXACTLY! THANK YOU!
Yeah, didn't expect you to understand. I'm sorry for that.
Nemeria ~ Yeah, wish you were here too. And, yes, the cost of gas does indeed hamper that particular solution (which was finally employed in Denver as well) but so does the fact that I have the potential to get WAY lost out here (even more than usual) thus making the cost of driving even more prohibitive. *sigh*
Hey Pooh, it's me Tigger, I know you can't see me but I am there holding your hand...............
Divine M
I think I get it, and I think jersey girl said it first (and succinctly), but I'll still add my spin.
Your home is a stranger to you, and right now, you're both staring at each other, and neither one of you is sure how to start the conversation.
But you don't have to leap straight to the politics-and-religion portion of the conversation.... you and your home can just share a bit of small talk, figure out your common interests, and build a friendship from there.
Today to the park at the end of the block, tomorrow to the coffee shop across the street, bit by little bit, making the place your own. A little snippet at a time, and on the days when you only want to stay inside with the blanket over your head, well....that's okay, too. :)
Totally understandable. You need a superhero T-shirt. If you have one, put it on. It doesn't matter which superhero. But sometimes you need a reminder. Then remember that even superheroes have bad days and difficult situations... and for some reason most of them live in New York and their personal lives are a shambles. Plus, few of them can hold down steady jobs. None of them write as far as I can remember... except for Superman who works for that Newspaper. On second thought, ignore me, I am being no help whatsoever. Unless you giggled a little.
I agree with some of the other commenters. Try baby steps. Go to a movie by yourself one day. Check out a bookstore. Don't put any pressure on yourself. That may help.
Good luck.
Wish I could fly out there and explore it with you...
Honey, I live 3 hours from where you are now. I love that big city you live in and so does my daughter. You just say the word and we'll come up and show you around. No, we don't get there more than once or twice a year but we're not too bad at exploring. She and I are pretty open to any turns you want to take and we don't much care where we end up either. It's the adventure we love. I'm serious. I'm off work and she doesn't begin college until the 20th so there ya go!
Divine M ~ Life was certainly easier when we were closer. *sigh* Thanks. LYMY
Wolfgrrrl ~ This helps. I can hold off on the politics and religion for a bit. Yeah...
GOML! ~ roflmao. More than a giggle.
Dennis R Upkins ~ And go to a movie theatre I've never been to. That's the key. I'm good alone in my comfort zone. I'm good going to movies alone. That actually is a really safe one to try. Excellent idea.
Krystal ~ Thanks. Me too you.
Traci ~ I'm really touched by this offer. Thank you.
You drew a raft of good comments!
To misquote Yogi, try a trick of the mind -- "Must be deja view all over again". See yourself going to the movies alone to a theater you have never visited before, then be surprised as you leave the theater to find that there are familiar places in the shopping center, on that block. Might be just a chain coffee house or book store, but you will know you've been there before.
Touched eh? hehe...I'm serious girl. If you ever feel moved to do so, simply say the word. Peace.
DOH! I'm totally late to the new pobble post!
Oh, oh how I wish I lived closer to you. I love exploring, but also find it difficult to do on my own. I haven't gone to LA by myself to wander the streets with my camera for the same reason.
When you are helping someone, you are the brave for them. Like, during our last earthquake here, I was holding a co-worker who was trying to run through the building. She was scared. Normally I'M the one running through the building crying. But because she needed someone, I just grabbed her, told her it'd be ok - that it just felt bad at the moment, that we'd all laugh in just a minute, we just had to wait for the shaking to stop.
Anyone who knows me knows I'M the least calm and rational person in a quake. Thinking I might be helping someone else totally diffused my heebie jeebies! It is the same way when I fly in planes. If someone near me is scared, I share my scared with them and for some reason always end up feeling "brave".
Try looking up historic places near you on the net. Maybe make little day trips. And as gnightgirl said, CAMERA. I'd LOVE to see your areas. See where you've been!
Focus on the places and let the people fall in naturally. Because they will. Trust me. If someone like me, the biggest dork ever, can find friends and even a husband in a city that she moved to only 4 years before [finding the husband], then I know for a fact you can and will, and you can and will do it better than you think you will.
The best way to weed people out of your life that you just don't need in there anyway is by letting those who "don't like you" just go on and find whatever they are looking for. There are so many others who will and do like you already, that adding to that group will simply be a wonderful side effect of your exploration of your new home.
I was a little like that about traveling. But this past weekend I went to Chicago and totally enjoyed my self. In a couple of weeks I am going to Memphis. I think I am ready to let this fear go and enjoy all of God's green earth.
It has taken me some time to make the step to venture again. Keep trying, it will work out.
I understand better than you can possibly guess. After four years, I'm just *now* beginning to accept that this is my home and getting to know the place some.
And I can't improve on what jersey girl said.
Hugs to you both!
How interesting that yet again, we're on the opposite ends of the spectrum again. It's been so much harder for me to get out and explore being in a new place with someone! Last year it was so much easier to do it all by myself!
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