I am finally back in the basement where I belong. It was less than three months and it feels like three years. And thank God I am here. I got one of the best phone calls of my life today ~ and will write about it in another post, I'm sure. But I also got a horrible one.
It was my ex-husband. It's actually good that he called because it assures us all he's alive and hasn't been killed in Iraq where he is serving. While I don't want to be married to him any longer, I don't want him dead either. But he was calling to tell me that his brother, 39, married with two young children, living in Rhode Island, put a shotgun to his head three weeks ago and pulled the trigger.
Apparently, he had been talking about it but there is this myth out there that says "if they talk about it, they won't really do it" so his wife, T, didn't pay it much mind. He and T got into a big fight, she mentioned divorce, and took the kids to her parents' for the weekend to think about it all. When she and the kids got home Sunday night, she found him.
And I am going through all the emotions that one goes through when someone we care about commits suicide. I'm sad, I'm hurting and I'm angry as hell. What kind of pain must he have been in? How loud must the demons have been? How alone must he have felt. And still, why did he have to go and do something so stupid, so permanent?
This person I've laughed with, argued with, cried with, spent holidays with, rolled my eyes at, shared meals with...isn't any more. My ex's family has been far more definitive about the divorce than mine (which I respect) so I lost him as a brother when I asked for a divorce. But it's different now.
My faith is such that he is safe, in heaven with his father, away from his demons and his pain, and embraced by a greater love than he ever could have known here. And I'm still angry. And sad. And hurting.
If you are thinking about suicide, please don't do it. Pick up the phone and call someone. Leave a comment here and let this community support you. Go to a hospital, a church, a friend. Because someone, even someone you think has already let go of you for other reasons, will care.
Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.
Bye, Pat. I'll miss you.
4 comments:
My prayers are with you, and with Pat's family. I'm so sorry that he had to go through that, and that the people he loved most will now have to live with this for the rest of their lives.
I certainly do understand. I tagged you before I saw this, or I wouldn't have, because...well... just because. You know.
i love you and continue to pray for the man in iraq and his family and you and... well you know the rest.
As a young man, I was a single foster parent to a young man who, on March 21, 2005 was killed in an automobile accident. He had been drinking, had an argument with his girlfriend and told her to get out of the car he was driving. She got out of the car, he hit the gas and hit a tree. Suicide or accident, I will never know. I'm still so angry with him for a.) drinking and b.) possibly killing himself in his rage, I can't mourn properly. I always wonder if my tears are in anger or grief. This happened close to you in Somerville, Mass.
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