In every relationship, sooner or later, needs are going to collide. Something has to give. In a strong relationship, there is back and forth. Not tit for tat or owing the other but honest compromise. Both parties can trust that, if their need is the one subjugated in this moment, at some other time, the other person will make the sacrifice. It's normal. It's healthy. It's good.
During my marriage, this exchange rarely took place. The SGM's needs trumped mine the vast (vast) majority of the time. When it was happening, it seemed reasonable. My needs tended to be very personal ones. His had wider implications. Nothing bad would happen if I didn't move back to Boston. If he left Denver before this one project was complete, it could have global-political repercussions. Seriously. No shit. If I didn't have my best friend and partner with me just after my dad's death, that only affected me. If he didn't lead this certain deployment, the odds were good some of our friends would die. Seriously. No shit.
But here's the thing ~ no one is actually indispensible in any work place. They are in a marriage. And not all his needs were this noble. Want to know the truth? The truth is, even with the noble ones, after a while, I stopped caring about the bigger picture and just wanted to stop being the thing that was worth sacrificing. Because I was, almost always, the thing that was worth sacrificing, even when the other needs weren't so noble. And that gets old.
The result of this is I have spent the last several years and my past two relationships with an ENORMOUS chip on my shoulder. My needs will be met, dammit. If the man I was with couldn't do it, that was just fine because I was perfectly capable of meeting them my damn self. Just don't ever expect me to go out of my way or sacrifice one damn thing in order to help you meet yours.
Now, several years out, I am remembering. Remembering I can be respectful and caring and sensitive and still be respected. That being willing to compromise doesn't equal being a doormat. That give and take is a healthy part of a relationship. That there are men out there who can do it. It's nice to be remembering. And to be reminded.
Those are Pobble Thoughts. That and a buck fifty will get you coffee.
8 comments:
Thanks for the reminder BP. I know with D and me it's a constant work in progress and I have to tell myself that it's okay to put my needs out there. Same for him. Yeah, sometimes we get some knock down drag out tantrums (um, that's me--he's pretty mellow) but, in the end, we're both glad to get it out there. There is something to say about getting older and having more clarity. I think, if you decide to give a next relationship a go, you'll definitely be in a more secure and comfortable place--and not feel guilty of saying what you want or need!
Hi Pobble
Often one of the hardest things to deal with is residual anger left over from previous relationships poisoning your present relationship. I love my ex's and cherish the time we spent together and just try to let the rest fall away (that's after much ranting and raving to blow it out of my system)...
I'm glad to hear that you're finding a sense of balance, Pobble.... I've only recently discovered that balance is ever so important when interacting with other members of the species!
Excellent post!
Dislike saying it, but I know a woman for whom learning your lesson would be extremely valuable and tension lessening. And she's many years your senior......
It is possible that the process of maturation is a movement from the total centering on self of an infant to a recognition of the balance which can be atained between adults and then seeking that balance.
Of course there are men out there willing to compromise...... you just have to find the right one.
Communication is paramount in being able to achive and maintain balance in any relationship.
We all need to discard the "junk behavior" we experienced in past relationships and go forward.
Somehow, I think you might have finally found that balance. Go for it and remember that you are loved!
Excellent post, and this concept is always worth remembering and holds true for the best relationships, the ones that last, which have a give and take and you also nailed it with "being willing to compromise doesn't equal being a doormat."
It doesn't. Not by a long shot.
This is a great post; I've been guilty of walking around all chippy my own self. Good to just figure out what the deal-breakers are, and work with the rest, maybe.
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